You cannot listen to the news lately without hearing about bullying and the sometimes tragic results. Could there be anything sadder as a parent than having your child commit suicide because of excessive bullying? This, of course, is an extreme reaction to bullying and not a typical outcome. Nevertheless, bullying is prevalent in our society in many ways and at different degrees.
Bullying has always been around. Taunting, teasing, tormenting, harassment, snottiness, and cattiness are common at school, on the playground, on the field, and at work. Bullying though has gone to a whole new level with texting, tweeting, social networking and with the use of the internet. With cyberbulllying (bullying by electronic means), it can get out of control in literally an instant. These statistics from 2007 show how prevalent bullying is among our children:
- 30% of U.S. students in grades six through ten are involved in moderate or frequent bullying -as bullies, as victims, or as both- according to the results of the first national school bullying statistics and cyber bullying survey on the subject.
- School bullying and cyber bullying are increasingly viewed as an important contributor to youth violence, including homicide and suicide.
- 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of bullies.
- Playground statistics: Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention – 4%; Peer intervention – 11%; No intervention – 85%
- Bullying generally begins in the elementary grades, peaks in the sixth through eighth grades, and persists into high school.
- Research show that those who bully and are bullied appear to be at greatest risk of experiencing the following: loneliness; inability to make friends; lack of success in school; and involvement in problem behaviors, such as smoking and drinking.
Some of these bullying stories are absolutely heart-breaking. As I read about Tyler Clementi who killed himself this month after being webcammed by his college roommate as he was having an encounter with another male in his dorm room, it saddens me deeply. Obviously, Tyler must have felt so awful and alone, and his parents and family must live with this tragedy forever. I think what truly saddens me the most is the absolute lack of empathy and compassion of those fellow students who webcammed and live-streamed the incident. How can people be so cruel? Sure, they are relatively young and may not have known the consequences of their actions, but what they did was incredibly wrong and malicious. Also all of those participating by watching the video and making fun of Tyler acted with thoughtlessness. What were they thinking? What about poor Phoebe Prince in Massachusetts? She was a young 15-year-old who had been taunted so badly that she hung herself at home this last January. How could her peers be so relentless in their viciousness? And then you have the opposite consequence to bullying at Columbine High School in Colorado in 1999. Two individuals killed fellow students, teachers and themselves apparently to lash out at all of those who bullied them. What can we do to prevent these tragedies?
First of all, are we doing our best to build compassion in our children? Most of us all have something on our hearts and in our minds that may way heavy on us. Sometimes I think it would be easier if everybody wore signs on the front of their shirts telling the world what is going on within them: “My mom is sick;” “I think I may be gay;” “My best friend has cancer;” “I am a bully (I wish I could stop);” “I was molested as a child;” “I am going through a divorce;” “My husband left me (and I haven’t told anyone).” Wouldn’t we all treat each other more kindly, tenderly, respectfully, and more patiently if we could “see” inside the hearts and minds of our fellow human beings. What about the “Golden Rule?” Treat others as you want to be treated. Are we modeling this good behavior ourselves?
Secondly, how are we equipping our children to better handle bullying? Bullies tend to target those that react and show weakness. A friend of mine told me a story about when she was young and had helped her grandfather at his farm. She was watching the chickens and was noticing how one of the chickens kept getting picked on by the others. She felt so bad and was so concerned about this little chicken. The Grandpa said that it was happening because he was the weakest chicken in the coop and would always be picked on because it didn’t defend itself. You do not want your child to be that “weak chicken.” We need to empower our children with confidence and skills to stand up for themselves and intervene if they see others being treated poorly. Our children should not “just take it” if they are being harassed. They need to know that we will always “have their back.” Also our children need to know that it is important to report bullying but they can also have a profound effect by intervening. Generally, bullying behavior typically stops within 10 seconds if another child intervenes. Peer intervention is perhaps the most powerful weapon available to help combat bullying.
Lastly, and most importantly, communicate, discuss and dialogue! Are we having ongoing dialogues with our child about bullying and other important life issues? Are you asking open-ended questions? Are we listening more than speaking? Are we making sure that our child is not the bully? Are we building confidence and esteem while not putting down others or at the expense of others? Are we paying attention to the details in their lives? Do our kids know, I mean really know, that they can come to us for anything? How tragic and sad for all of those parents whose children decided to make such huge choices, like suicide or homicide, without talking with them first. Typically the bullies themselves do not feel loved or special or are jealous. Apparently attention, good or bad, is what the bully wants. We need to make sure that our children know that we can always help them with bad situations and, no matter what, it is never hopeless.
Parenting is a job to be taken seriously. Good citizens do not just happen by chance. Teaching compassion is just as important as building their confidence and esteem. Our children are our ongoing “work” projects. Our children need to feel loved, safe, and empowered. Let us keep dialoguing with our children about bullying and ways to handle tough situations in life.
