Author Biography: Liz

Liz is a mother of three children ages 8, 10, and 12. She is actively involved in her community at the neighborhood schools, at her church, and with the local sports. She hopes that her volunteer efforts better the community as a whole and for her children. Liz has been married to her high school and college sweetheart for 18 years and loves the fact she has someone to share the “good, the bad and the ugly” elements of parenting with on a daily basis. ☺

Liz

Pay It Forward

by Liz on October 18, 2011

in General

Last night one of our dearest friends did one of the most thoughtful and generous things for our family. I literally cried with gratitude. Coincidentally, right before meeting with him, I had just come back from teaching at my son’s religion education class. The lesson was about “The Good Samaritan” and how we can apply the principle of “loving your neighbor as yourself” in our daily lives. Our 4th grade class had much discussion about acts of kindness, acts of mercy, and how to be a caring and loving individual. We had specifically talked about how simple acts of kindness can start a chain of thoughtful events while leading others to also act with kindness.
As the kids shared ways in which they planned on doing acts of kindness and ways in which they have already performed good deeds, we asked ourselves lots of questions. Are we helping those in need on the side of the road? Are we paying attention to those that are hurting? Do you defend another’s character while they are unjustly being disparaged? Are we giving each other the benefit of the doubt? Does our behavior show good character?
We can never equally reciprocate our friend for what he has done for us nor does he want us to. But his act of kindness is a great example of love and friendship that we will never forget. It also inspires us to be generous in our acts of kindness. Right now, our way of being generous and showing “love for our neighbors” is by continually volunteering at our local schools and our church. Our hope is that our children can benefit from seeing our friend’s act of kindness and witnessing our volunteering activities, inspiring them to also act with kindness. Also we hope that our community at large can benefit too.
The expression “paying it forward” is about finding a way to help your community and your fellow human beings. There is actually a “Pay It Forward” foundation that promotes “lending a helping hand to someone in need…making a difference by doing something small…leaving the world a better place than you found it.” I know our friend a great believer in “paying it forward;” we are definitely not the only recipients of his kindness.
Let us inspire others by doing our own acts of kindness and talk with our kids about how the world needs good neighbors. Treating others like you want to be treated cannot be said enough. Little acts of kindness do make the world a better place.

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Monkey See, Monkey Do…

by Liz on January 14, 2011

in Family,General,Personal Stories

I am guilty.  I am so guilty.  I am so guilty of doing the exact opposite of what I expect from my children sometimes.  My favorite is when I catch myself yelling from upstairs to my kids downstairs, “Stop that yelling!” Another favorite is when I am constantly telling them to chew with their mouths closed while I am quite possibly the most obnoxious gum-chewer around.  Or another one is telling them that they need to eat properly while I am also avoiding the broccoli.  How can we raise great, super children while being so imperfect ourselves?

Model the behavior that you expect.  Demonstrating the proper behavior at all times would be ideal but probably impossible.  I will watch my child overreact to something like spilled milk or a missed assignment and I will cringe realizing that the behavior was learned and basically duplicated from what they have seen me do.  Long ago, when the baseball player, Steve Garvey was known as “Mr. Clean,” Steve made a remark about how he tried to behave well at all times by pretending that there was a child walking behind him; this would help keep himself in line.  This is generally good advice; if you know that you are being watched at all times you generally will behave better.  When we were in Hawaii a few years ago, we were very excited to visit the lava fields.  I told each of our children that they can take a piece of lava home with them as a souvenir. Just as we were leaving, we saw the sign stating that it was illegal to take any of the natural resources. I was so tempted to allow them still to take the lava but I made them put the pieces back. My oldest said, “Mom, no one will know if we take it.” My response to her was, “that is when your true character comes through…doing what is right even when no one is looking.”  Our children are watching us all of the time whether we like or not. 

Change your habits.  I am in the process of changing my organizational habits because I can see that my kids are not picking up my husband’s good habits of an organized room but my bad habit of a disheveled room. Shocking! I want them to pick up all of their clothes on a nightly basis and make their beds on a daily basis.  I have not enforced this endeavor since I myself do not demonstrate this behavior.  I generally do not make many threats to my children since I know that you must follow-up with consequences.  I cannot expect one thing while doing another.  My grandpa smoked cigarettes for years and would constantly tell me that he would spank me if he ever caught me smoking.  I remember being in his little Mazda with the windows opened just a crack, the car filled with smoke, as he was telling me how bad smoking was.  It was a classic “Do what I say and not as I do” moment.  Lucky for him, I never did smoke.  Most likely the fact that my parents detested smoking, would make us change immediately when we got home from my grandparents’ house and take a shower to get rid of the cigarette smell, helped steer me not to ever try smoking. 

Acknowledge your mistakes.  We are only human and we will make mistakes.  Sometimes the best that we can do is acknowledging our wrongdoings, apologize, and do better next time. My favorite book that I read to my children is Harriet You Drive Me Wild!  I love this book because it exemplifies that sometimes we parents can be pushed to our limits, overreact for a moment, but can apologize when calm and ask for forgiveness.  At the same time, discipline our children on what is proper behavior.  Our children need to know that we are there for them when they will overreact, or make mistakes, or make wrong choices. Success generally only comes after failure.  How can we learn if we never make mistakes? Also we need to make sure that their wrong choices have consequences that fit the wrongdoing.  I never realized how much “tough love” is involved with good parenting until, of course, I became a parent.

Constant communication is a huge theme that runs within our family.  We value talking, discussing, and even arguing when necessary.  Hopefully our ‘little monkeys’ are seeing more “right” in what we are doing than “wrong.”

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Bullying: What are the answers?

by Liz on October 18, 2010

in Abuse,Education,Family,Parenting,Psychology

You cannot listen to the news lately without hearing about bullying and the sometimes tragic results. Could there be anything sadder as a parent than having your child commit suicide because of excessive bullying? This, of course, is an extreme reaction to bullying and not a typical outcome. Nevertheless, bullying is prevalent in our society in many ways and at different degrees.

Bullying has always been around. Taunting, teasing, tormenting, harassment, snottiness, and cattiness are common at school, on the playground, on the field, and at work. Bullying though has gone to a whole new level with texting, tweeting, social networking and with the use of the internet. With cyberbulllying (bullying by electronic means), it can get out of control in literally an instant. These statistics from 2007 show how prevalent bullying is among our children:

  • 30% of U.S. students in grades six through ten are involved in moderate or frequent bullying -as bullies, as victims, or as both- according to the results of the first national school bullying statistics and cyber bullying survey on the subject.
  • School bullying and cyber bullying are increasingly viewed as an important contributor to youth violence, including homicide and suicide.
  • 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of bullies.
  • Playground statistics: Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention – 4%; Peer intervention – 11%; No intervention – 85%
  • Bullying generally begins in the elementary grades, peaks in the sixth through eighth grades, and persists into high school.
  • Research show that those who bully and are bullied appear to be at greatest risk of experiencing the following: loneliness; inability to make friends; lack of success in school; and involvement in problem behaviors, such as smoking and drinking.

Some of these bullying stories are absolutely heart-breaking. As I read about Tyler Clementi who killed himself this month after being webcammed by his college roommate as he was having an encounter with another male in his dorm room, it saddens me deeply. Obviously, Tyler must have felt so awful and alone, and his parents and family must live with this tragedy forever. I think what truly saddens me the most is the absolute lack of empathy and compassion of those fellow students who webcammed and live-streamed the incident. How can people be so cruel? Sure, they are relatively young and may not have known the consequences of their actions, but what they did was incredibly wrong and malicious. Also all of those participating by watching the video and making fun of Tyler acted with thoughtlessness. What were they thinking? What about poor Phoebe Prince in Massachusetts? She was a young 15-year-old who had been taunted so badly that she hung herself at home this last January. How could her peers be so relentless in their viciousness? And then you have the opposite consequence to bullying at Columbine High School in Colorado in 1999. Two individuals killed fellow students, teachers and themselves apparently to lash out at all of those who bullied them. What can we do to prevent these tragedies?

First of all, are we doing our best to build compassion in our children? Most of us all have something on our hearts and in our minds that may way heavy on us. Sometimes I think it would be easier if everybody wore signs on the front of their shirts telling the world what is going on within them: “My mom is sick;” “I think I may be gay;” “My best friend has cancer;” “I am a bully (I wish I could stop);” “I was molested as a child;” “I am going through a divorce;” “My husband left me (and I haven’t told anyone).” Wouldn’t we all treat each other more kindly, tenderly, respectfully, and more patiently if we could “see” inside the hearts and minds of our fellow human beings. What about the “Golden Rule?” Treat others as you want to be treated. Are we modeling this good behavior ourselves?

Secondly, how are we equipping our children to better handle bullying? Bullies tend to target those that react and show weakness. A friend of mine told me a story about when she was young and had helped her grandfather at his farm. She was watching the chickens and was noticing how one of the chickens kept getting picked on by the others. She felt so bad and was so concerned about this little chicken. The Grandpa said that it was happening because he was the weakest chicken in the coop and would always be picked on because it didn’t defend itself. You do not want your child to be that “weak chicken.” We need to empower our children with confidence and skills to stand up for themselves and intervene if they see others being treated poorly. Our children should not “just take it” if they are being harassed. They need to know that we will always “have their back.” Also our children need to know that it is important to report bullying but they can also have a profound effect by intervening. Generally, bullying behavior typically stops within 10 seconds if another child intervenes. Peer intervention is perhaps the most powerful weapon available to help combat bullying.

Lastly, and most importantly, communicate, discuss and dialogue! Are we having ongoing dialogues with our child about bullying and other important life issues? Are you asking open-ended questions? Are we listening more than speaking? Are we making sure that our child is not the bully? Are we building confidence and esteem while not putting down others or at the expense of others?  Are we paying attention to the details in their lives? Do our kids know, I mean really know, that they can come to us for anything? How tragic and sad for all of those parents whose children decided to make such huge choices, like suicide or homicide, without talking with them first. Typically the bullies themselves do not feel loved or special or are jealous. Apparently attention, good or bad, is what the bully wants. We need to make sure that our children know that we can always help them with bad situations and, no matter what, it is never hopeless.

Parenting is a job to be taken seriously. Good citizens do not just happen by chance. Teaching compassion is just as important as building their confidence and esteem. Our children are our ongoing “work” projects. Our children need to feel loved, safe, and empowered. Let us keep dialoguing with our children about bullying and ways to handle tough situations in life.

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Substance Abuse Prevention Through My 7th Grade Teacher

by Liz on September 15, 2010

in Education,Family,Parenting,Personal Stories

I went to the most enlightening and quite frankly, unsettling talk at our local middle school about drug usage among preteens and teenagers.  The “Parent Drug Education” night informed us on how prevalent drugs and drinking are among preteens and teenagers.  They also educated us on possible ways to prevent our children from being one of the statistics.  The nationwide statistics are upsetting (according to SADD): :           

  • 41% of the students had consumed alcohol by 8th Grade
  • 20% of the 8th Graders had tried marijuana
  • 28% of the teens knew a friend or classmate who used Ecstasy
  • 50% of teenagers have tried an illicit drug by the time they finish high school
  • Nationwide, 25.4% of students had been offered, sold, or given an illegal drug by someone on school property during the 12 months preceding the survey.
  • 28% of 15- to 20-year-old drivers who were killed in motor vehicle crashes in 2005 had been drinking. 

The meeting was essentially setup in three parts. First, the School District Assistant Superintendent spoke and gave us the statistics of our local schools.  Although they were not necessarily shocking, they were alarming.  Yes…there were drugs and drinking on campus (minimally though).  Yes…the district is working diligently to keep drugs off campus.  Yes…they are punishing those who bring drugs/alcohol to campus.  Yes…most drug use and drinking takes place before or after school.  They are doing the best they can, but it is not their main responsibility to keep our kids off drugs; it is our responsibility to keep our kids off drugs.

The second speaker was a police detective who told us what he encounters in the community and actually showed us examples of drugs.  This included everything from over-the-counter to prescription drugs to narcotics (meth, cocaine, and heroin).  It was frightening!

The third speaker had the most impact on me.  He was a counselor who primarily works with teens with drug and alcohol problems.  He was a wonderful man who obviously cares deeply for his own family of six (he has four grown children), and for those he helps.  As I was studiously taking notes on how to hopefully raise our kids not to end up abusing drugs and drinking, I was struck by several issues he mentioned.  First, determine your child’s vulnerabilities.  What would make your child want to do drugs or drink in the first place?  Peer pressure?  Escape?  Self-medication?  Attention?  Secondly, what is your child’s inner voice?  Is your child negative or positive about him/herself?  Self defeating or self confident ?   How does what you say or do to them affect their confidence?  What is their self-worth/self esteem?  Knowing your child’s inner voice can help tremendously in prevention of drug and alcohol abuse.  Lastly, the counselor characterized parents into three categories.  One third were those parents that stayed involved–on top of their kids and their activities.  One third were those that had checked out–dealing with their own problems and stress levels.  The last third were those that knew something might be going on, but chose to look the other way; perhaps these parents did not want to be the “bad guys” or actually permitted some experimentation.

We are always so worried about protecting our kids from predators and molesters, but truly the chances of being kidnapped or assaulted are far less than our own children choosing to damage themselves by experimenting and subsequently harming themselves with drugs and alcohol.

Of course, so much of what the counselor said seemed so obvious, but sometimes what is obvious needs to be said, repeated and reinforced.  What’s important? –Family dinners, shared activities, paying attention, listening, playing games, modeling appropriate behavior, open communication and a healthy living environment.  These are the years to be the most watchful.  Many preteens and teenagers have a huge amount of freedom.  Freedoms, such as texting and calling liberally without us knowing the person on the other end — freedom to have internet and email access without us reading or seeing what is being viewed, shared or written — freedom to talk and act inappropriately.  All of us need to learn, sooner or later in life, that freedom equals responsiblilty. 

Of course, some autonomy is good.  Children do need some independence; mistakes have to be made or else how would they learn?  We know our children will make mistakes, but those mistakes and choices that have irreparable consequences are the ones that scare me the most.

My 7th grade teacher was the singular reason I never experimented with drugs.  His younger brother had been tragically hit and killed by a high, drunk driver.  My teacher told me and my classmates the real reason why you shouldn’t do drugs as he wrote on the chalkboard in huge capital letters…YOU WILL LIKE IT!  It really had a profound effect on me.  And now I tell my kids that three things may happen when you do drugs: 1) you may really like it so much that you want to keep doing it and it might overtake your life; 2) your body might really like it so much that you become addicted and won’t be able to stop; or 3) you may be able to just try it and quit without incident.  The problem is that you really won’t know ahead of time which of the three may happen so it is best to not try them at all. 

As my preteen children grow, I hope to instill in them a cautiousness (and fearfulness) about drinking and drugs.  I hope to convey to them the beauty and wonder of a natural “substance free” life.  Of course, isn’t our number one job as a parent keeping our children safe, protected and loved?

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Is it wrong to sing “Alleluia!” when your kids go back to school?!

by Liz on August 31, 2010

in Family,General,Parenting,Personal Stories,Positive Stories

Today I am dropping off my three children, ages 8, 10 and 12, to school after what seemed like a significantly shortened summer. We had a blast…beach days, camping, car trips, hanging out, pajama days, biking, hiking, etc…a considerable amount of togetherness. Along with these fun times came bickering, disagreements, talking back, and some sassiness…Oh the joy! My friend made a comment that she cannot wait for her kids to go back to school so that they learn to like each other again. There is true wisdom in those words. Sometimes I feel that I am the only one with unruly children. I visualize other families sipping their hot cocoa with whipped cream on top with the hot breakfast of fried eggs, toast, bacon and juice, saying “please” and “thank you” and smiling sweetly and graciously at their mom each morning before they tenderly kiss her good-bye. I am frequently reminding my kids that the best gift we gave them is each other; I do not think they are quite convinced yet.

We are very much trying to raise our children to be gracious and grateful. We are constantly reminding them to be respectful and kind to each other and us. I remember when they were much younger, fighting over the same toy while sitting and playing among fifty other toys. I remember thinking how this will pass. Ha! Oh, sure…it is no longer a “Little People” toy but now it is about what show to watch (at what volume), where to sit in the car or on the couch, who gets to push the buttons on the elevator, etc. I secretly find some sweet satisfaction to hear that other parents are dealing with the same situations. Is this wrong to feel somewhat elated that I am not the only one!?

I guess this is part of good parenting: constantly reminding about manners and attitudes, setting limits, following through with consequences, monitoring the television and computer, being consistent, proper role-modeling. It is exhausting! All in all, I will miss our summer and the “non-homework” days but I will be giving myself a “high-five” and doing the “happy dance” after dropping the last youngster off…and, probably sooner than later, I will be looking forward to the next school break.☺

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